Happy!

I don’t know what happened to me but ever since passing up my design project and my final year report. My stress was like totally passing up back to my lecturer. haha. because they are going to mark it. Though, I doubt myself for a good mark but that’s all I can do. I can’t control what my lecturer going to correct it but i accept anything now. Because I deserve what I deserve, however, hardwork can never be measure through the marks we get.

Suddenly I am thinking about what I can write for my EQ journal. Hahaha. Thanks God for letting me know about Helen Keller.

Everybody got their own strength but no one really believes there are people who were born stupid. No one knows their effort. However, they are not stupid. If a person can generally born with abnormalities, it is also possible for a person without intelligence such as birth defect with talking, listening, seeing and so on. Maybe there are somebody who knows.

I miss zen zen and It time to sit down and THINK

Suddenly miss them so much.

Sometimes, using an analogy is like a parable. At different times, we have different understanding but I also remembered that the meaning of a parable is to get different types of people to understand the same concept (difficult made easy). If they are not under those circumstances of the analogy, they may never understand.

These few days, I should be God-fearing and not fearing the people. I can’t skip both but then to be God-fearing is far much more important than people-fearing. God-fearing would prevent you from sinning. People-fearing would only get you to do something wrong.

I passed up my report today on the 6th of November 2009, the saddest and happiest of my life eclipse. Both final year report and design project on the same day. It takes my soul out. Somemore got CUTSE, not really sure what is the exact meaning of it but it has definitely cost me more of my time. Then have to move on to the final year report (which is almost the same thing though) and their experimental works were like taking one whole day of your time. Luckily for the conclusion experiment, the industry helped us with it.

Design was ok but for my minor part, i didn’t do well. Because really not sure what are those mechanical parts. The value I get was so strange and totally different. I don’t understand what the seniors are writing about either though it gave me some inspiration on my mathematical sides. Because of their so confusing way, it makes me think twice on my decision.

BUT before that, I have to readjust my mind.

My English skill has…. what’s that word again? Its getting worst and worst each day. So after I am done with Uni, would try to get some improvement on it BY watching more English movie, reading more English fictions and listening to more English songs.

If not, I felt like joining my younger sis to learn sign language. There are free lessons from my old secondary school. Not sure if it is still going on or not. My sis taught me a little but I am a bit of action idiot.

OR further improve my beginner level Japanese language. Last time, the lecturer only taught us for a semester (around 2 semesters ago) but without practice, I think I will have to start again.

Then I will move on to the plan of my future. From the beginning til now, I have been thinking about either manufacturing industries or “medical” technology because that is what I have looked for ever since, I failed to be a psychiatrist. I like making things however, that would take forever of my life to build a production plant as a female part of my life. But the “medical” engineering part is where I have more interest. They designed medical devices for patients and even the artificial heart!!! I am not sure though if I need other intelligence to do that but whatever, I would take it as a lesson.

AND its time to enjoy for a while today, then get on living with the rest of my course exams and journal writing. Though, after passing up, it gave me a quieten heart to sit down and rethink of my goal. That’s what a person need.

In the mean time, I have to learn to discipline myself on all aspects such as social skills, less judgmental, more listening, more understanding, more considerate, more specific and less complicated. Second, my guitar skill requires improvement. Ever since, I got commented, I have not improved on it but getting worst. But then, I would like to move on to classical guitar because sometimes, acoustic one is much more noisier. BUT still, I like both, one is for personal mindsets and the other for crowds. Though for me are both personal. People with stage fright is like that.

A reward for my cold coffee to not cold coffee

My cold coffee turn warms which is cold before that but I left it on my table without realizing it was there. It was my second. However, I give a little tips: coffee only works well with one gulp for an interval of time then another gulp without making you shaky and dizzy. Take that for those who take it one goes because like that you feel sleepy easily and have to take more than 1 or 2 cups which would make you feel unwell and going to toilets more. However, one sip or two is enough for 1 certain 15-20 minutes interval and doesn’t makes you go toilet. Like that your one cup can last for around 2 to 3 hours. I bet everyone need that now.

Finally, I am done with my Final Year Project! Even if it is due on 6th of November after extended which is Friday but I don’t think I would have time for that because Design Project due on that day too. But have to give myself some reward for something done. I do think its ok to check on facebook if you have really done your thing, if not don’t check. But checking means only 10 minutes. Don’t exceed that for a break or releasing your stress. If not, have to retake Process Control.

I can’t wait for friday to come actually because after that I only have to study for my test and a journal for economic and management to finish. After all, I would be free and means that I can do whatever I want liao!

SO before 8am today (Wednesday), I have to finish Mechanical Design for my Chemical Design. Then when 8am comes, I shall move on to VOL.1. Then afternoon sleep. then move back on to VOL.2 Costing then move to critical review then the next morning back (Thursday) to VOL.1 then move back to VOL.2 COMPILING and then FRIDAY COMES!!!

Responsibility

When responsibility almost reach the end, my sense of security was greatly disturbed. It has always been this feeling, I have to reach till the end. I thought I have always been unfortunate since young, even when those little troubles cannot compare to those living in poverty, incurable diseases or those mentally disturbed. Even more, when I started to face more of them in Uni’s surviving roles. Suddenly, at a lost, losing my balance and had a great fall.

In between, I am unable to cope with it. A new surrounding and I am alone in those pictures no matter what I do. I almost quit because that’s what I told my family in my second year but I remain still through gritted teeth. Passing one year after another. One man war fighting alone. I am not putting any hope on  those that I’ve called would give me a hand. How heavy it is. When you said, you are going to fight the war with me, I was so full of hope. But then as situation changes, they are all gone. I can’t blame you because I know there is nothing you can do. I learned to carry my own burden.

I saw more borders creating all around me as time goes by, either by me or the others. Soon, I am afraid to climb over that boundaries to the other side. I don’t want to know because I don’t want to fall again. Then one day, somethings just glimpsed through that borders here and there, attracting my attention. Was that a trap or was that a hallucination?? I was stunned, would that broke my borders that I have build up over the years. What if I fall again.

It was not you alone who face these. Remember that we are all human. We have our limits to protect you or to stand by you. Sometimes, letting go and go after what you think is your dream, it would just be an iceberg on the ocean. You only saw what is visible, while those underneath, lays the unforeseen mistakes. Live in truth or lie… once you have chosen, the rest is the consequences that you have to bear. This is the truth that is hard to learn. An easy way doesn’t mean it is the right way. Follow the desire that is of Above and what best for you but not what your heart’s desire because of the little obstacles in your life. Let not your life be only those that you found comfortable with. It may takes years and years to generate but the end is always worth it. I know sometimes, it is not what you alone can control over but changes started from one to another. May you be first or WE all can be. In order to be success, we must not be afraid to fall. It started with one, He did.

Stars

You wanted to meet someone so much and you idolized them so much. Especially stars. When you met them, they are just as simple as you do. They are the same as you are, another human being who has been “fictionized” into someone who don’t really exist. Don’t put your life on them. Appreciate them is better than idolizing.

I just found my way.. I am taking every step I can towards it now. Lord, take my hand and I shall follow.

Rachel

A name someone chose for me 12 years ago. I only know that they said its for physical appearance of Rachel in the bible. Being beautiful and so on. I guess their intention is a name for blessing. It suits me well, not girlish and not boyish enough. I like the name, however, it is quite common though. Real common. I wanted to change the name but then one day, my friend, given us a bible software. Inside got different version of bible including commentaries and a lot more. It is a good aid for bible study but then I lost that software long time ago.

Then I read upon Rachel. Literally, it means lamb of God. After reading other names, having so many wonderful meanings, why am I only a lamb? (obviously, that time, as new learner, I don’t know why am I an animal and what the lamb represents at all). Until I read the shepherd part. “My sheep hear my voice…” A lamb who follows the Lord and I decided to keep this name. i don’t care how common it is. I was glad, because I am a lost lamb and He found me back. I wanted to walk away, but He pulled me back when I am hanging at the end of the rope.

Hear His voice. To walk out of your agony, walks toward Him and He will take your hand. Its a struggle but then, its worth it. Other than His way, don’t put yourself into destruction. Friend, Don’t. Hear Him. I really hope you can hear Him.

Techno

People changes with time. Suddenly, I know what I should do.

At a lost

I wrote this in my book.. 5 years ago… Come and find me in 7 years, if you got any problem, I will be a psychiatrist. How naive is that. How big is the thought but I couldn’t do that. But after for a while, I don’t regret that much as I used to think that I would.

Just now, while finding my papers on the bed, I found a waffle little Zavier gave. He came to my room a few weeks ago, when I just woke up and put a few packet of waffles on my bed for me to eat. Sweet little guy. But a few moments later, he came back again and saw the waffles still there, he asked me why I didn’t eat it. I told him, i will eat it later. Learning what we always said to him when he don’t want to eat his meal, he said, “If you don’t want to eat it, I will bring it to school to eat o.”

I said never mind, you can eat it at school. He took back a few but left one on my bed. so sweet of him.

Actually, children are cleverer than we think. Sometimes, they understand more than you do. Your little actions would meant everything to them. Even if you don’t mean it, they saw it all. What makes it worst is that, they don’t understand it but they know it.

Day 6

6th day without facebook. I think it is not facebook problem. It is my problem.. Even if I got nothing to do, I just can’t focus too much on my studies. What happen to me. i used to have plenty of time to do them even have more time to recheck and recheck my works… Now, I never had the chance to recheck them at all. The times that I have full energy to do everything. Where is that me?

Retarded by the temptation of the world… I don’t have time anymore… I don’t have that energy too… The cloud over my head… I just hope that they could be blown away.

Pictures

The picture of sadness - the big dark cloud that covered the sun of hope

The picture of happiness - it rains and we all go onboard

The picture of love and hatred - memories that appeared again and again

Therefore, live your life in happiness and love. So that one day, you have a lovely memory of what your youth has been, and not regret it. Treasure everyday and stay on.

Today, I just remembered my little friendship book on top of my bookshelves. I flipped through it. I bought it when I was in secondary school. Gave it to friends to write on. Luckily I did that. I remember you now my friend, I never forgot about you.

And I just miss them so much. Thinking back the words that they have spoken. Thinking back the times that we’d shared. It meant so much to me. They are so true. How childish we have always been and its such fun to be with them.

My world has turned upside down. My position now, is totally different from the role that I had 5 years ago. Its like I am standing on the other side looking at myself from afar. I’ve met quite a lot of “me” for these few years. I never know that’s how I look like in front of others.

Knowing yourself sometimes could isolate you from others. With that it would slowly draw a circle among yourself away from others and maybe yourself too even if it means to have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror was gone Its because we started to see the weaknesses in ourselves that even yourself could not accept and hope others don’t see.

Day 5

I am cheating myself…. Actually, I should used the time that I am not going to facebook to Bible study… or my studies…. but then I can’t resist another temptation. That is Youtube……. and my bed…. pick up!